Let's all be honest. With ourselves, with others... pain is real. It is felt in the heart, throughout the body, the emotional body... and personally, I cannot mask it. Why aren't we talking about it? And i'm not talking about the news, or what's going on reality TV. I'm talking about REAL life. Let's admit it, sometimes it is ok NOT to be ok. You don't have to shove it, manipulate it, analyze it, judge yourself, pick it apart. It exists as an energy. But the GOOD news is... is that it passes and It transmutes into something better if you allow it, if you release it.
I opened up my browser to show this quote displayed “The struggle ends when the gratitude begins.” Now, for my personal exert: today, I felt a lot of pain. It started by waking up with back pain in my upper right back... the shoulder blade area. I roll out of bed and make some tea... put on some yoga pants and some Hunter boots. "I'm going to be a good dog mom this morning and walk around with the dogs", as they love a good morning adventure. I walk down to the river, the dogs see something by the seawall.... (there had been recent news of a large gator going on the golf course nearby) and I think of that and get worried... I'm about 10 feet away, I step my right foot on the seawall to take a peak of what they're seeing and BOOM! I slipped my right leg into the river, i'm straddling the sea wall in this moment so awkwardly.. pull myself up with superhero strength. HAHA! And get up and am shaking...thank GOD... thank you thank you. Ok so moving along, I get inside and am getting ready for work, I catch a glimpse of my back in the mirror and it has this crazy looking rash on the right upper back, where I have the pain. I send pictures to my sister and she says to give it a day, it wasn't raised, itchy, nothing. No doubt about it, I woke up on a... weird... side of the bed this one morning. I commute to New Orleans and I go straight to the chiropractor, she adjusts my back, cannot identify the odd rash, had never seen anything like it... I leave still with the super discomfort in upper right back/shoulder blade area... I get into work and I get some very upsetting words/message from a family member. I was crushed, heartbroken, totally taken over by emotions. My brain was shooting off like fireworks... "what am I going to do?" You know when you're in those moments and things are turned upside down and you're trying to figure it out within the next 5 minutes after it happening... yeah, that's what I was doing. But I also started to analyze, what am I doing wrong? Why is this happening... all the above. But most of all, I felt deep pain in my heart and soul and cried like I haven't cried in maybe years. I was embarrassed for how I was reacting but it came up..."let it". Let it pass. I had to sit and be with the pain that I could not wrap my head around or figure out. I made it through the day... yes. I did. I made it. Because I'm alive.
Later in the afternoon...I made my way to a restorative sound bath at Swan River Yoga in Mid City, where i'm doing yoga teacher training. (super exciting YES). But the weird thing is.... I say weird in a way that it is mystical, mysterious, interesting... in January, I didn't want to come up with the long list of shit you're not going to do then get disappointed that you didn't do and say.. F* it... next year. Instead, I said a mantra for myself to stick with the whole year which is "stay true to myself". At the time I wasn't really sure what that meant but it was something my soul desired and knew I needed. I get through the beautiful sound bath/restorative yoga, crying the whole time (only when my focus would go to my brain, where those thought things happen)... I started to process the day.. of the painful experience with someone in my life who I've always looked up to.... that I looked so much to for acceptance and approval. WHY!? I'm 29 years old, I don't need anyone else's damn approval!!! Everyone is always going to have their own opinions. DO. YOU. Anyways... I reflected on my morning (which felt like 10 days ago) about nearly falling fully into the river, then finding this rash.. then having the pain and coming to a place of acceptance... " I am going to do me" I manifested it earlier this year... I wanted these things to happen.. and their here. Sometimes the realness and beauty comes through pain. And, you know what? That upper back pain and rash? It's gone. I don't feel it. Because there are these things called energetic chords... you can have many and some are stronger than others. This one in particular was related to the person whom I had to detach with today. The chord was cut and it feels normal. Crazy I know. But it is real. Going back to that quote.. “The struggle ends when the gratitude begins.” I am thanking those who pushed me to feel the pain, to find my truth, to confirm that I am on the right path... thank you.
It is OK to NOT be ok. Sometimes, you just need to breathe, allow the life force to revitalize and purify you from the inside out. (caution: tears may occur) ha.. "How are you doing?"... "Fine, and you?!" NO! sometimes everything is NOT ok... but how are you going to transform, transmute that pain, or anger, or fear... into something greater for yourself and for others. Here's the thing... pain is relatable. I personally do not relate to the happy family photos and the grand Facebook announcements... I'm more on the wave length of... why doesn't anyone care about all the animals in shelters that adoptable and people are going out and buying $8,000 dogs?? (just my personal opinion). Perhaps I feel too deeply, I feel everything. I feel it very deeply and heavily. The word "sensitive" cannot contain all the properties of my personal makeup. I deeply love, all beings, animals, family.. but here's another thing. We as individuals, powerful beings, have to protect ourselves. But while doing that, let's all try to be real. Let's be real about life, about what's going on in the world, what can we do better. CARE more. DO more. BE more. For yourself, for your family, and your community.
I will not be small. I will not pretend to be little. From the book, Women Who Run With the Wolves..".But what if you, being a swan, had to pretend you were a mouse? What if you had to pretend to be gray and furry and tiny? What you had no long snaky tail to carry in the air on tail-carrying day? What if wherever you went you tried to walk like a mouse, but you waddled instead? What if you tried to talk like a mouse, but instead out came a honk every time? Wouldn't you be the most miserable creature in the world?"
I cannot cloak that which is immensely ILLUMINATED. This illumination comes from the light of God and exists in all beings. I want to be real and raw with you because that light thing?? exists in all of us. Whether you believe it or not, you can feel it, in the way you love, get upset, feel pain... there's the real SHIT. We may all be different but on an emotional level no matter what our experience, we can all relate to those things, right? To know myself is to also know you. Look someone in the eyes, you'll see.. we are all the same. Our journeys may be different but the feel-ings are the same.
From the Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz..."Don't Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life."
Communicating clearly doesn't have to mean a fight breaks out.. there can be some agni (fire) in this conversation but I feel that is where I come from the heart sometimes. Truly, in the end... everyone just wants to be SEEN, HEARD, and ACCEPTED. Another hard truth to accept... everyone is always doing their best with what they know at that current time. Acceptance and appreciation. Even in the pain... thank you. Now, I can break free and be my own. ALIS VOLAT PROPRIIS.. "she flies with her own wings"... has always been a favorite collection of words to me. I relate to the birds. I desire their freedom and sometimes feel stuck, because I am grounded to this earth. There is freedom in grounding yourself to the Earth, and to the divine at the same time. In this, you can find balance and equality throughout the mind, body, and soul...
Lastly.. another favorite quote from the last book quoted, Women Who Run With the Wolves “I hope you will go out and let stories, that is life, happen to you, and that you will work with these stories... water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés
I'll leave it at that.. burst into bloom. We are delicate, but not as delicate as petals on a flower, sometimes our BLOOM comes out of fire, pain, RAW, and realness.